How to end the universe part four - Suicide

November 9th, 2008 • 3 comments Acads, Angst, High School, How to end the universe series, Humor, XXX
Tags: suicide

SUICIDE — Some have even made a game out of it.

It’s just past 2PM and I’m feeling old and dying. It’s raining and it feels like it’s already 6PM. Anyway, I already got my report card yesterday for the second quarter, and my grades are quite satisfying methinks. And apart from everything that has been happening to me lately, let me digress this post to something even more mundane than my grades.

Suicide

Life got you down? Flunked all your subjects? Don’t know what a dog is? Plurk Karma went 0.13 lower? Got raped by a bunch of virgin n00bs? Why go on living with the gut-wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself, also known as Suicide. With suicide, you can release all that guilt in your tender little heart and let your soul free.

Reasons to Commit Suicide

There are many reasons to commit suicide, including the several emoish reasons. But you need a specific reason why you want to end your life on this planet. If you’re gonna commit suicide just for the hell of it, it won’t count. You’re just being a jerk, I swear.

• You don’t know what “x” in 2x+3 means.
• Your girlfriend/mom/dad/bestfriend/dog left you.
• Your girlfriend/mom/dad/bestfriend/dog died.
• You have read this post and was convinced to commit suicide.
• You have been receiving apathies from your friends with text messages such as “Whatever”.
• You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide.
• You are included in the Tarsius syrichta species, also known as Tarsier, and thus it is your duty to commit suicide whenever you’re stressed.
• You can’t shuffle a deck of cards.
• You don’t know the “F” in “WTF”.
• You stumbled upon this page.
• You’re such a loser.

How to Commit Suicide

There are several different ways on how you can commit suicide. But I’m just gonna share to you the three best methods of killing yourself.

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Stay plastic. Stay tragic.

October 20th, 2008 • 5 comments Fiction, Humor, Narratives, Random, Thoughts, XXX

TRAGIC — “”I swear to Walt Disney kid, I’m going to rape you!”

***BEWARE: Uber-lengthy and contains unpleasant words. Lolz. But heck, who cares? Read on…

A real tragic story starts and ends with dullness, and with people who claim to be devastated when it is obvious they’re stoned, dressed in stupid costumes and pretending to die.

One tragic story begins in a far away land where there is nothing but tall, brown grasses. Along the vast area of boring grass and orange sunset, lies a small hut. Living there is a young, fine lady of the name Snowball. Snowball loves to wander off the woods, fluttering like moronic butterflies, swaying her rugged smelly skirt, and singing dumb songs only a fairy-tale tramp would only most likely to sing.

Snowball lives with her aging parents who do nothing for a living, but picking fruits and vegetables from someone else’s farm. One morning, while Snowball’s parents were out to steal food, Snowball was at her bedroom window, talking to birds like a schizophrenic prostitute. “What should I do today, bird?” asked Snowball.
“Tweeeet. Tweet. Tweeeeet.” answered the bird.
“That’s a great idea, bird. But I can’t. Mother and Father would get angry if they would know I’m out.”
“Tweeeeeeeeeeet. Tweeet.”
“Are you sure they won’t know?”
“Tweeet.”
“Okay then, let’s go out.”

Birds are a bad influence. I knew those tweeets mean something. Anyway, so Snowball went out, frolicking in the woods, singing and talking to animals. Fairy tales sure are full of retards. But heck, kids love that.

Before tragedy came in, Snowball felt tired from all that craziness she’d been doing. So, when she came by a stream in the middle of the woods, she felt a bit exhausted. So she took her dirty dress off and dipped into the cold stream, totally nekkid. Birds kept on tweeting, rabbits kept on hopping, and wolves kept of howling as the nekkid Snowball dipped herself, deeper and deeper, into the cold stream.

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How to end the universe part three - Eggs

October 4th, 2008 • 6 comments How to end the universe series, Humor, Pointless, Thoughts, XXX
Tags: eggs, nuts

An egg always comes before the chicken. But after global warming (all those effin’ green house gasses and stuff), awful eggs spurt semen all over relative strangers. But please think of humanity and moral degeneration every time you yourself is cracking an egg.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Eggs can be any object with the substance of a developing baby — so does that mean that the Earth is an excellent example of an egg that has grown far beyond normal size, and fostered numerous moldy life forms, such as grass, trees, humans, and noobs? Meh. So anyway, let’s talk more about eggs. I hate eggs. Specially when they’re served, uhh, kinda raw and liquidy. But I love scrambled eggs and omelet. I hate the fact that eggs came from animals’ twat, but at least, they’re covered in protective shells. And lastly, eggs, like the pointlessness of this post, will blow your minds off like a baby in a microwave.

Egg or chicken?
So which came first, the egg or the chicken? This has been befuddling minds since the BC’s. People say that the egg came first since (mythical) gods lay eggs. But it really goes like this: Adam came first before Eve. Therefore, the egg first before the chicken.

Confusion of some sort
Eggs are closely related to nuts because of chestnuts, walnuts, and hazelnuts, which most of the time, develops confusion of some sort. Another thing, eggs also produce confusion with woman eggs. Woman eggs are found within the vagina. After a woman has sex with a man that doesn’t use condom, these eggs are coated with sticky substance that hatch into people. And lastly, woman eggs should not be consumed like a normal egg.

Finally, how to end the universe with eggs
1. Get a raw egg.
2. Get a spoon.
3. Hold the spoon on top of the egg for ten seconds.
4. Smash the egg hardly on your forehead.
5. Scream.
6. Ponder on which came first, the egg or the chicken.
7. Scream.

*Eggs photo courtesy of this link. Thanks link!