How to end the universe part three - Eggs

October 4th, 2008 • 6 comments How to end the universe series, Humor, Pointless, Thoughts, XXX
Tags: eggs, nuts

An egg always comes before the chicken. But after global warming (all those effin’ green house gasses and stuff), awful eggs spurt semen all over relative strangers. But please think of humanity and moral degeneration every time you yourself is cracking an egg.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Eggs can be any object with the substance of a developing baby — so does that mean that the Earth is an excellent example of an egg that has grown far beyond normal size, and fostered numerous moldy life forms, such as grass, trees, humans, and noobs? Meh. So anyway, let’s talk more about eggs. I hate eggs. Specially when they’re served, uhh, kinda raw and liquidy. But I love scrambled eggs and omelet. I hate the fact that eggs came from animals’ twat, but at least, they’re covered in protective shells. And lastly, eggs, like the pointlessness of this post, will blow your minds off like a baby in a microwave.

Egg or chicken?
So which came first, the egg or the chicken? This has been befuddling minds since the BC’s. People say that the egg came first since (mythical) gods lay eggs. But it really goes like this: Adam came first before Eve. Therefore, the egg first before the chicken.

Confusion of some sort
Eggs are closely related to nuts because of chestnuts, walnuts, and hazelnuts, which most of the time, develops confusion of some sort. Another thing, eggs also produce confusion with woman eggs. Woman eggs are found within the vagina. After a woman has sex with a man that doesn’t use condom, these eggs are coated with sticky substance that hatch into people. And lastly, woman eggs should not be consumed like a normal egg.

Finally, how to end the universe with eggs
1. Get a raw egg.
2. Get a spoon.
3. Hold the spoon on top of the egg for ten seconds.
4. Smash the egg hardly on your forehead.
5. Scream.
6. Ponder on which came first, the egg or the chicken.
7. Scream.

*Eggs photo courtesy of this link. Thanks link!

Relativism

September 17th, 2008 • 4 comments Acads, High School, Personal, Pointless
Tags: apple, hell, nonsense, piss, relativity, speed of light

“Einstein’s home designed using relativity so nobody could break in and hurt him”

I know, people in hell don’t play Simon Says. But relative to Cerberus, monster form hell which has unbelievably bad dog breath (seeing as it has three heads), and making Ascaris Lumbricoides the inertial frame of reference, we can conclude based from the given controlled group and independent variables, that an apple, in turn, through representations made by equal distribution of goods and services, becomes an orange at speed of light — that is relativity.

Right now is complete baloney. I’ve been getting drunk off my ass with a bunch of retards. Forgive me if this post turns out to be a piss in the wind, but I’m in a total perplexity right now. Gah.

Why does everyone hate me?

September 9th, 2008 • 6 comments Angst, Fiction, Humor, Pointless, Random, XXX
Tags: emo, everybody, geek, hate, hell

Haha! With this funky clothes and this calculator, I will surely get my classmates’ respect!

August 1, 2007
Dear Diary,
At school, the bully in class dumped his lunch in my backpack. When I confronted him, he planted his fist on my nose. I was bleeding, so I was sent to the clinic to get some cure. But when the nurse was doing my nose, it hurt, so I was kinda groaning out of paining. Then the nurse, told me, “Shut the fuck up, kid. You’ll get your fucking big mouth in blood too if you don’t shut up!”

August 6, 2007
Dear Diary,
Our science experiment with raw eggs was fun but my classmates threw them at me after science class. I was crying but everyone was laughing. When I got home, I told my dad about what happened at school, and he said, “Whatever, loser!”. I hate my dad.

August 10, 2007
Dear Diary,
We had a pop quiz in Math about division of fractions. Of course I got a perfect score and a kick from Jerry. The pain was terrible and it felt like my nuts changed place with my kidneys. I went to the restroom and saw my pants all covered with blood. When the janitor saw me, he kept on laughing and he said, “God! You’re dick’s menstruating!”.

The next thing I knew, I was sent to the hospital.

August 13, 2007
Dear Diary,
I felt a bit of relief when I knew I was in the hospital, at least, I’m far from my classmates and from the kids at school. One time, a group of doctors came near my hospital bed and talked to me:

“Hey! Are you the kid with the bleeding groin?”
“Uhh…yeah.”
“Hahahahahaha!!! Are you wearing napkin today? ‘Cause you might just mess up the hospital bed with boy mens! Hahahahahahaha!!!”

I don’t think there’s anything funny there. God, I hate doctors.

August 16, 2007
Dear Diary,
On the way home from the hospital, dad (who was driving the car) crushed a beer bottle at my head and pushed me out of his car. On the freeway. At 200 mph. I hate my dad.

I was sent again to the hospital and got broken ribs, fractured spine, and crushed arms.

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