How to end the universe part four - Suicide

November 9th, 2008 • 3 comments Acads, Angst, High School, How to end the universe series, Humor, XXX
Tags: suicide

SUICIDE — Some have even made a game out of it.

It’s just past 2PM and I’m feeling old and dying. It’s raining and it feels like it’s already 6PM. Anyway, I already got my report card yesterday for the second quarter, and my grades are quite satisfying methinks. And apart from everything that has been happening to me lately, let me digress this post to something even more mundane than my grades.

Suicide

Life got you down? Flunked all your subjects? Don’t know what a dog is? Plurk Karma went 0.13 lower? Got raped by a bunch of virgin n00bs? Why go on living with the gut-wrenching guilt when you can just kill yourself, also known as Suicide. With suicide, you can release all that guilt in your tender little heart and let your soul free.

Reasons to Commit Suicide

There are many reasons to commit suicide, including the several emoish reasons. But you need a specific reason why you want to end your life on this planet. If you’re gonna commit suicide just for the hell of it, it won’t count. You’re just being a jerk, I swear.

• You don’t know what “x” in 2x+3 means.
• Your girlfriend/mom/dad/bestfriend/dog left you.
• Your girlfriend/mom/dad/bestfriend/dog died.
• You have read this post and was convinced to commit suicide.
• You have been receiving apathies from your friends with text messages such as “Whatever”.
• You are emo and thus it is your duty to commit suicide.
• You are included in the Tarsius syrichta species, also known as Tarsier, and thus it is your duty to commit suicide whenever you’re stressed.
• You can’t shuffle a deck of cards.
• You don’t know the “F” in “WTF”.
• You stumbled upon this page.
• You’re such a loser.

How to Commit Suicide

There are several different ways on how you can commit suicide. But I’m just gonna share to you the three best methods of killing yourself.

Read more »

How to end the universe part three - Eggs

October 4th, 2008 • 6 comments How to end the universe series, Humor, Pointless, Thoughts, XXX
Tags: eggs, nuts

An egg always comes before the chicken. But after global warming (all those effin’ green house gasses and stuff), awful eggs spurt semen all over relative strangers. But please think of humanity and moral degeneration every time you yourself is cracking an egg.

Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Eggs can be any object with the substance of a developing baby — so does that mean that the Earth is an excellent example of an egg that has grown far beyond normal size, and fostered numerous moldy life forms, such as grass, trees, humans, and noobs? Meh. So anyway, let’s talk more about eggs. I hate eggs. Specially when they’re served, uhh, kinda raw and liquidy. But I love scrambled eggs and omelet. I hate the fact that eggs came from animals’ twat, but at least, they’re covered in protective shells. And lastly, eggs, like the pointlessness of this post, will blow your minds off like a baby in a microwave.

Egg or chicken?
So which came first, the egg or the chicken? This has been befuddling minds since the BC’s. People say that the egg came first since (mythical) gods lay eggs. But it really goes like this: Adam came first before Eve. Therefore, the egg first before the chicken.

Confusion of some sort
Eggs are closely related to nuts because of chestnuts, walnuts, and hazelnuts, which most of the time, develops confusion of some sort. Another thing, eggs also produce confusion with woman eggs. Woman eggs are found within the vagina. After a woman has sex with a man that doesn’t use condom, these eggs are coated with sticky substance that hatch into people. And lastly, woman eggs should not be consumed like a normal egg.

Finally, how to end the universe with eggs
1. Get a raw egg.
2. Get a spoon.
3. Hold the spoon on top of the egg for ten seconds.
4. Smash the egg hardly on your forehead.
5. Scream.
6. Ponder on which came first, the egg or the chicken.
7. Scream.

*Eggs photo courtesy of this link. Thanks link!

How to end the universe part 2 - THE HARD WAY

August 29th, 2008 • 9 comments Books, College, Emoshitness, Fiction, High School, How to end the universe series, Humor, Narratives, Personal, Pointless
Tags: autistic, bananas, cat speak, College, courses, fucker, Mark Haddon, superhero, The Curious Incident of The Dog in The Night-time

“Life is cruel. Good thing bananas were invented.”

1. Get a banana.
2. Remove the banana peel.
3. Erect the banana.
4. Scream.

——

We took the NCAE last Wednesday and since I finished about three hours ahead of my roommates, I spent my spare time reading The Curious Incident of The Dog in The Night-time by Mark Haddon. You’ll surely find the book weird at first but as you absorb its pages, you’ll know why the book begins with chapter 2.

The book is the best first-person narration I’ve read so far not to mention that the story’s protagonist and at the same time, its narrator, Christopher, is autistic and is gifted at and focused on mathematics — this is reflected by his inclusion of several math and logic puzzles and problems. Well for me, it has been different to read a book based from a point of view of an autistic kid who takes the world literally.

——

I am tired of everything right now.
Going to college has been bothering me so badly. It’s as if I’m currently in front of the altar, about to get married as the crowd waits for my “I do”. It’s a very tough decision, as everybody says. There’s a long list of courses but where do I fit? Where am I actually going to find my safety zone or so they say? To tell you the truth, I also have a long list of things I wanna do. Frustration and perplexity caught me off guard.

Gawd! I have never been this fucking confused in my life. Ever. It’s like now or never. It’s like dying without reincarnation. Or learning the technique on the Rubik’s cube. Or having dyslexia and determining which is b and which is d between “b” and “d”. Or Einstein’s theory of relativity. But you see, the Rubik’s cube, the muddle between b and d, and relativity can be learned and mastered eventually. But choosing which path to take in college needs wisdom, because as I see it, life starts at college.

UPDATE:
I just thought of this one last night.
I have finally settled my self somehow. My dreams are to become:

• A superhero, and save millions of lives each day.
• A world class couch potato, or a mouse potato.
• Be a famous linguistic, majoring in cat speak. In that way, I can fulfill my dream of talking to cats. I know some words, ya knoes: MEOW! MEOW!. It’s cat speak for hello.
• Or at least, be a fucker.

Now tell me, what university offers those kinds of courses, huh?

*Grandma banana picture courtesy of this link. Thnks!